Yamakawa Hana
(Yes, I know that's Haruhi. Spare me.)
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Hidan stared in horror at the small object on the desk in front of him. Swallowing hard, he attempted a weak laugh, looking up at the brunette standing before him, arms across her chest.
"You're kidding me. You're fucking kidding me."
The epitome of fear, his worst nightmare - the very thing that haunted his dreams at night. And here it was, in all its evil, sinister evilness, mocking him, for fuck's sake, sitting directly in front of him not three feet away.
A swear jar.
"Yup," the brunette girl said, grinning and holding out a hand, nails painted a dark shade of red. "Pay up."
"No." Hidan shook his head. "No fucking way. I'll burn in hell before I put money in a fucking swear jar."
The brown-haired girl, Hana, now had three fingers held up, and one halfway there.
"Hey, Kakuzu, does 'burn in hell' count as a cuss word?" she asked, looking at the masked man standing at her side.
"Yeah," he replied, "so, technically, Hidan, you owe us four hundred ryou."
"Four hundr-- FUCK YOU!"
"Five hundred!" Hana chanted, grinning gleefully as Kakuzu rubbed his hands together.
Hidan groaned loudly, sticking his hand into his pocket and digging around for some money.
Nothing. It was empty.
He sighed, withdrawing his hand and holding it out in front of him to show the two other Akatsuki members.
"There's nothing there," Hana said, blinking slowly.
Hidan rolled his eyes. He had been surprised when Tobi had been admitted into the Akatsuki, but this girl was something else entirely. It wasn't that she was stupid... well, she was. Maybe not stupid, but a little... slow. She wouldn't have even been here in the first place if it weren't for him.
Hana was a medical shinobi, whom the Akatsuki had kidnapped from her home village of Kumogakure and brought back to stay with them, after Hidan and Kakuzu had returned from a particularly messy mission.
It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that Hidan returned to the headquarters in pieces. But as he tried to explain to the others, his opponent had insulted his religion.
It took the eight combined Akatsuki four hours to get each part of his body back into its proper place, and Kakuzu a further two hours to sew it all back together.
After that, he vehemently refused to stitch Hidan together again. This wasn't a problem, until he had his head lopped off by a particular nasty shinobi with a temper shorter than his.
Hana was quickly located, and brought - to Pein's mild surprise - willingly into the Akatsuki. From that day forward, she became something of Hidan's carer, much to Kakuzu's amusement. The young girl followed the two around almost everywhere, and was always on hand to fix Hidan up when he had one of his extremities cut off - which seemed to be a regular occurrence, especially with a partner like Kakuzu.
He supposed he should have been grateful to the young girl, but he found it slightly embarrassing that a guy like him, one of the S-rank criminal members of Akatsuki had to rely on a little shrimp like Hana. He made up for it, in his eyes, by teasing her good-naturedly.
To her credit, she took his teasing well, brushing it off and laughing along with him, but there was one thing she didn't let slip by, and that was his bad mouth. It had reached a point where Hana had threatened to sew him to the ground and wash his mouth out with soap, a punishment he had narrowly escaped.
The thought of how he had tricked her out of the punishment made him laugh out loud, causing both the brunette and his partner to look at him oddly.
"What are you laughing at, senpai?" the girl asked, tilting her head to the side in a way that might have been cute, if he wasn't so annoyed at her.
"Nothing. I don't have any money. I can't fu-- I can't pay you."
Kakuzu pointed directly at his partner. "That's bullshit, and you know it. Try the other pocket."
Hidan's face fell. "Kakuzu, you bastard."
"Six hundred!" Hana sang, skipping towards Hidan and shaking the jar under his nose.
"What?!" the immortal bellowed, then glanced at the masked man. "Hey, Kakuzu swore too! Does he have to pay?"
Hana glanced at Kakuzu, then at Hidan. "No," she said finally.
"Aww, fuck you, Hana."
"Eww." She screwed up her nose. "No, thank you. That's another hundred by the way."
Hidan hissed under his breath, digging his hand into his right pocket and pulling out a wad of notes. Kakuzu almost swooned at the sight of the crumpled money.
"How much?" Hidan grumbled, flicking through the notes. Most, Hana noticed, were spotted with blood.
"Seven hundred," she replied, holding out her hand as Hidan reluctantly passed her the bills. Smiling, she tucked them into the jar, then shook it.
"Are you happy now?" Hidan spat, throwing the dramatically reduced wad carelessly back into his pocket.
"Not yet," Hana said, staring into the semi-empty jar. "But knowing you, senpai, I will be soon."
"Hmph." Hidan swaggered over to Hana's small bed and sat down. "May I ask why you are doing this?"
"Simple. Everyone's sick of you swearing like there's no tomorrow, so Pein told Hana and I to figure out a way to make you stop," Kakuzu explained.
"Hmph. And which of you bright fu-- which of you came up with the idea of a swear jar?"
"I did," Hana said cheerfully. "We discussed it for a while, and this seemed the best way to do it. Or, at least, the easiest way to make a quick buck." She grinned again. "So, you stop swearing, and Kakuzu-san and I make some money. Everybody wins." She suddenly frowned. "Except you, senpai."
"That's fucking bullshit!"
"Pay up."
Damn.
Konan was sitting in the living room, folding a tiny piece of paper into a small crane when a slight movement caught her attention. She lifted her head, turning slightly to see Hidan standing in the doorway, glancing around nervously.
"Hidan?" she said quietly.
The immortal nearly jumped out of his skin, then realized who it was.
"Oh." He exhaled. "It's only you, Konan."
"Only..." she repeated, brows knitting. "Right."
She finished the small bird, and placed it on top of a pile of at least a hundred other cranes, then picked up another sheet of colored paper. She folded it in half, then sighed and looked up at the immortal.
"Why are you acting so nervous?" she asked after a short silence. Hidan was creeping around like a cat burglar, making it impossible for her to concentrate on her origami.
Hidan looked around before tiptoeing towards her. "Do you know where Hana and Kakuzu are?"
"Hana and Deidara went into town to get some groceries, so, of course, Kakuzu insisted on going along." She sighed.
"Really?!" The immortal's eyes lit up. "In that case -" he took a deep breath - "fuck, shit, piss, damn, hell, ass, boob -"
He was cut off by Konan hurling one of the cranes at him, which flattened and unfolded, clamping itself over his mouth.
"Shut up!" she hissed.
Hidan tore the paper away from his lips, scrunching it up and throwing it down.
"What the fuck, why?" he hissed.
Konan sighed. "Hana and Kakuzu set microphones up all over the base before they left."
Hidan froze, then groaned, sinking down onto the couch. "How many was that?"
"Eight."
The immortal almost cried. Eight hundred ryou!
Biting his lip, he glanced at the woman at his side. "Well, thanks, I guess, for catching me before I went too far." He gritted his teeth, then slammed his fist into the couch. "Jashin da-- dang it, do you have any idea how fu-- how freaking annoying it is not to be able to freaking swear?!"
"No," Konan answered, grinning.
"Oh, shut the fu-- shut the he-- just shut up!" Hidan yelled, tugging anxiously at his hair. This was impossible!
"Calm down. Now, have you tried anything to stop this swear jar thing?"
Hidan concentrated on slowing his breathing. "No. What do you recommend?"
Konan sighed, tapping her cheek. "Does Hana have any fears or weaknesses? I'm assuming it's her idea, right?" Hidan nodded. "Well, does she?"
"I dunno," he replied. "She's a little obsessive compulsive, but that's all."
"Okay..."
"Well, what about you and Pein? What do you do when Pein's pi-- annoying you?"
"Pein? Well... he doesn't have any fears, but... umm..." Konan turned away, scratching the back of her head and blushing. Then she laughed nervously. "Err... a sex ban generally works, but..." She trailed off.
Hidan stared at her for a second.
"Gross," he said finally. He stood up.
"Well, thanks for the advice, but I guess I'm just going to have to figure this one out for myself. Before I go completely broke."
He sighed, sticking his hands into his empty pockets.
"See you later, Konan."
The woman stood up, and made to move after him. "Wait, Hi-- OH!"
She jumped as a pair of hands snaked around her waist, and turned around to see Pein standing behind her, smirking.
"For Jashin's sake..." Hidan murmured, running out of the room with his hands over his ears.
Hidan lay on his bed with his arms behind his head, glaring at the jar. It was half-full, and it had only been here for a week. Really, he had no idea he swore that much - well, he did, but this was beyond ridiculous - and there had to be close to two thousand ryou in there. Two thousand ryou that would soon belong to Hana and Kakuzu.
He sighed, racking his brain for a solution to the swear jar problem. But what could he do? Hana had no fears or weaknesses that he knew of. She was a sweet, innocent, normal enough teenager.
He growled. There had to be some way he could use her weakness to his advantage...
He was still thinking an hour later when Hana herself walked in. He sat up, looking at her as she glanced around.
"What are you doing?" he asked as she dropped to her hands and knees and began to crawl around.
"Looking for something for Kakuzu-san," she replied, looking up at Hidan. "Oh!"
She clapped her hand over her eyes, dropping the small bag she had been holding as she flushed red.
Hidan stared curiously at her.
What on earth...?
Was she blushing?
He looked at her again, then down at himself.
He wasn't wearing a shirt.
Frowning, he pulled his Akatsuki cloak back over his shoulders.
"It's okay, Hana, you can look now."
She peeked between her fingers, Hidan giving her his trademark smirk.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I should have knocked before I came in."
"That's okay..." he replied slowly. "What are you looking for?"
"Umm..." She glanced around. "Nothing. I can't find it."
He looked at the bag sitting beside her.
"Going somewhere?"
"Hmm? Oh." She picked it up. "Yes. Deidara-san and Sasori-san are going on a mission, and Leader-sama wants me to accompany them."
"Right... why were you looking for that thing of Kakuzu's? Is he going too?"
"Oh. No. He's not going with us, I mean." She blushed again. "He's got a solo mission."
"Right."
She nodded, rubbing her red cheeks. "Yeah."
An awkward silence fell over the two, Hidan fidgeting with his cloak, then Hana glanced at the swear jar.
"Oh. It's almost full."
"Hmph."
She smiled. "Can I trust you to be honest, and put money in when you swear while we're gone?"
Hidan smirked. "Can I trust you, Hana-chan, not to tell Kakuzu if I don't?"
Her smile grew. "We'll see, senpai."
She waved goodbye before slipping out the door.
Hidan waited until her soft footsteps had faded away before removing his cloak again and flopping back down onto the bed.
There had to be a way around this.
Zetsu on a feeding frenzy?
Tobi's freaky hyperactivity?
Sasori and Deidara fighting about art?
Kakuzu's wrath when he lost his checkbook?
Itachi, full stop?
Nah...
Blood?
No, it couldn't be blood.
No one with a fear of blood could work with the Akatsuki.
Especially not a medical shinobi...
And especially not if they had to deal with him every day, as Hana did.
Urgh.
Hidan glared at the digital clock angrily.
The luminous red numbers flashed 4:55.
He couldn't sleep.
Hana's strange behavior had been on his mind all night. Had she blushed when she realized he wasn't wearing a shirt?
He frowned. That didn't make sense, she had seen him shirtless more than any one else - as the medical shinobi, it was her job to stitch him back together and heal his wounds - wounds that often occurred on the torso. She knew more of him physically than any other - she had seen him at his best, and worst. It was Hana who had packed his intestines back into his stomach, who had spent so many hours hovering patiently over his naked torso with a pair of tweezers in her hand, picking shards of metal and glass out of his organs, who stitched his head back to his neck every other day. So, why?
He sighed, rolling onto his side then onto his back.
Perhaps, if he had taken the time to get to know her a little better, he wouldn't be keeping himself up all night wondering about the girl's fears.
...He really should have thanked her for always helping him out.
Passing a hand over his tired eyes, he looked again at the clock.
It was still 4:55.
He sighed again, looking up at the patches of light on the ceiling.
His own weaknesses, he knew those. He just wished Hana's were a little more obvious.
Hana returned with the puppeteer and the loud blond a few days later. The three reported to Pein, then made their way back to their individual rooms - except Hana.
She was eager to see how her senpai was doing.
She arrived outside his room to see the door open, and the immortal sitting, shirtless, on his bed - reading a book.
Surprise, surprise.
She entered the room, tiptoeing across the carpet towards him, when he turned and looked at her.
"Hello, Hana," he said calmly. "How are you?"
Her face fell. "You heard me."
He smirked. "Of course. You made more noise than a herd of fucking elephants."
She laughed. "You swore! You have to pay, senpai."
The immortal's smirk grew.
"Funny you should mention that."
Hana looked at the jar. It didn't appear to be any fuller.
"Well, about the jar... while you were gone, I made a few small... modifications..."
Hana's smile fell. "What kind of modifications?"
Hidan shut his book, and walked over to the desk, picking up the jar. "This kind."
He handed the girl the jar, then stood at her side.
His breath tickled her cheek as she read the label.
SWEAR JAR
She frowned, then dropped her gaze to read the next line - the line that hadn't been there before she left, and that wasn't in her writing. The script was small, and she had to squint to read it.
Carefully, the immortal had written:
Price: One (1) kiss
"Well?"
She took her eyes away from the jar, looking up at the grey haired man.
"I don't think Kakuzu's going to want his half," she said weakly.
Hidan laughed, his arm sliding around her waist and pulling her body against his. She blinked, the immortal brushing a strand of brown hair out of her eyes.
"Now. Time for me to pay up."
<33
Good, bad, so-so? This is my first published one-shot. Let me know what you thought!
Kenna xx
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