And, assuming the orginal aithour will read this and know who he/she is: I would ask you for permission but I'm insanly impatient. I hope...Maybe, you'll take this lightly, as a joke. If not, which is understandable...Then...Well...I'll probably ignore your messages and if my account gets deleted...That's chill.
Who the hell walks through Little Italy at three in the morning? With no martial arts training, no common sense apparently, and at the very least she could atleast have a gun or a switchblade. You'd have to be a moron to walk around New York without something got protection, I mean...Not even a cell phone? C'mon! You're asking to be molested. You're a complete and total baboon. That's right. Baboon.
My name's Forrest and I am a babboon.
Like that! Except I'm a whole hell of alot cuter, more like this:
Okay, not like that, I would totally kill for that body, but I look more like this:
Except only during photoshoots...I'm not posting another picture for you. Use your damn imagination.
Anywho, so like I implied, I was walking down the street in the lovely N-Y-C with nothing but the clothes on my back and an iPod. Oh yeah, typically me, forgot my phone, remembered the iPod.
Did I mention I was baboon?
And I think the only reason I was starting to proclaim myself a baboon was because I heard footsteps behind me. If I hadn't, I might just forget it, but no, there were footsteps behind me. And they were getting closer, I was going faster, hell, I broke out into a sprint with desperate hope that I would make it to my apartment in once piece, still unraped...
I almost fell over when I turned a corner, maybe in hopes that I had cleverly outsmarted my alleged attacker. Instead I came face to face (quite literally, only inches apart. This guy clearly didn't understand the concept of personal bubbles).
I had my fist nearly to his face when he tossed it down like it was nothing (look, I have nine brothers, I think I know how to punch). He just put his nasty hand (tasted like salt and...Hand) around my mouth and swung me over his shoulder, ignoring my constant beating on his back.
Two hours later I said 'Fuck It' and relaxed. It could be worse, he could be making me walk. I mean, yeah,. I was being kidnapped and basically about to be raped, but after two hours of walking uphill? He deserves a little nooky.
But I'm not down with being tied up and gagged. He laid be down on a bed (in a house, in the middle of nowhere...Which I think it pretty cool, you could skinny dip in a pool if therewas one around), tied me up and stuck some god awful thing in my mouth.
" Pete, you ass, don't hurt her!" some guy snapped. Now, I don't normally judge people by the way they look, but this guy was either vegan or smoked ALOT of weed.
" I didnt hurt her." he retorted, taking off his hoodie and tossing it to the side.
" Nnsdnyigbutahrsome..." I attemped to say ' No one every said anything about a threesome', but it's hard when you have a gag in your mouth.
" When so we tell her?" Someone asked, he had like..An afro. I decided I liked him, because he was white, and he had a fro. And I'm easily amused.
Fro was accompanied by Hat...okay, a guy wearing a hat, but...NO! Lets call him sideburns, I like thise better then I like his hat. " After she knows who we are." Sideburns answered.
Mr. Kidnap Me Without a Damn Wprd of Explanation stepped over to me (just what I need, him getting closer to my face).
The Pot-smoking Vegan one, known as Andy, stepped forward. " Listen," he said witha voice to calm to be the voice of a maniac rqapist "we need you right now, okay? I promiuse, we're not gonna hurt you or rape you or anything."
I nodded. It took a minute, but I felt a little more secure with where I was knowing I wasn't going to be raped, though the gag was a little-Okay, cool. Mr. Kidnap removed the plastic ball from hell.
" Awesome. I'm Forrest, I demand to know your names, ages, heights, weights, current occupation, and where you live." I nodded.
They looked at eachother. " Sounds like you're gonna take us in to the police." Mr. Kidnap laughed.
" You bet your ass I am! You carry me for two fucking hours without my permission to somewhere I don't know? That, my friend, is kidnapping, which is illegal." I nodded.
" We'll give you our names and some pancakes." Fro nodded, laughing some.
"Chocolate chip?" I cocked an eyebrow.
" Whatever keeps us on the right side of the bars." he chuckled lightly.
I thought for a moment. " Chocolate chip pancakes AND you have to untie me...And introduce yourselves." I nodded, Fro came behind me to undo the knots.
" Well I'm Joe-" he started.
"Can I call you Joe Fro?" I asked.
"No."
" I have your name and I know what you look like, do you really want to spend two years in prison?"
" Fine, you can call me Joe Fro." he laughed, tossing the rope aside. " Pete, why'd you tie her up?"
" Don't care about your name." I ignored Kidnap, who was obviously Pete. " I already know you're name..." I told Andy..." You! Hat boy!"
" Can't you just keep calling me Hat Boy?" he asked, turning tyhe lightest shade of pink.
"No, I'm gonna call you Sideburns." I nodded.
He made a face. " Patrick." he nodded. " I don't like being called sideburns." he added, leaving for...Something. Maybe he was gonna start making my pancakes.
" Yeah, he's a shy one." Andy informed me of the obvious.
Side-I mean Patrick came back. "C'mon, I found a room for you." he nodded, his friends has condfusion on their faces, as if it say 'That's the most words you ever spoke to something with a chest'.
" I get my own room?! SWEET!" I jumped from the couch bed thingy I was on and followed him. " It better have a lock."
Sure enough it didn't, but there was a chair, and it's easy to lock a door with a chair. Don't you watch the movies? Plus I had a door without a lock growing up, my best brother showed me how to lock it.
"Sleep tight." Patrick whispered shyly, closing the door gently behind him.
" G'night!" I said, hopefully loud enough so he heard me through the door. " Don't let the bed bugs bite!"
It seemed like seconds later I woke up. Only it wasn't seconds later. It was three hours later, it said so on the alarm clock screen. There was another loud thud, much like the one that snapped me out of dreamland. And me being paranoid...I had to go down and be the detective I am.
I hadn't even reached the base of the stairs when I saw Joe Fro screaming (like a girl). He was...tearing off his own skin. I was watching a scene from a sick sick horror movie...Devil's Rejects? Noooo...Joe looks nothing Rob Zombie or a crazy clown. Besides, in Devil's Rejects, there wasn't a scene with someone ripping off their skin...With fur taking place of the skin.
Wait,WHAT? Fur?!
I was dreaming. Only logical-Like any of this was logical. I was trusting total strangers who kidnapped me in exchange for chocolate chip pancakes...
What the hell was I supposed to do? Stand there and watch?
...
Good, because that's exactly what I did.
Pete brushed past me, leaping on Joe Fro, causing the furry man to fall to the hard wooden floor (which was dusty but can you blame them? They're guys).
" PATRICK!" he called out as furry Joe Fro wriggled underneath him.
As serious as this probably was, I couldn't help but think: kinky.
Patrick entered, and for whatever reason...Everything seemed more tranquil. Like everything was in slow motion...Or was I just sugar high from the pancakes?
Or does pancakes and orange juice equal acid?
Or did they put acid in the pancakes?
Moving on, Hat-I mean Patrick injected Joe Fro with some greens hit, causing him to stop moving around so Pete could pick him up and lay him down on the sofa bed thingy.
After that dilemma was over, Patrick acknowledged my presence, and led me back to my room without a damn word of explanation (which backed up my belief in the acid filled pancakes).
I woke up, this time in the morning with..A rose on my bed? So someone was trying to get nooky! Not that I was complaining....There was even a note, hopefully with a signature so I knew who the nooky-wanter was.
'I'm so sorry, I hope this makes up for it,
Love Joe'
What? No sonnet? Kidding, I'm not pricey. Hell, if Joe...Or any of the guys were there, I would probably...Do naughty things.
That reminds me...Where the hell were they? What kind of kidnappers leave their kidnappee alone? Weren't they afraid I would try to escape? Unless of course they knew I wouldn't...
Unless of course, they knew that I knew that they knew I wouldn't, so they knew I would just to rebel....
I had to go back to sleep to keep the paranoia away.
NO NOOKY FOR YOU
