Boondock Saints [Chapter One - Things Are Looking Bad]

My name is Aislinn, and my family hails from Ireland but I was born in South Boston as an only child with a now deceased mother and drunkard of a father whose about to kill himself by poisoning his liver from all the liquor hes consumed over the many years I have been alive. Growing up I've come to know a girl about my own age whose had just about the same amount of bad luck as me. Her name is Ebony Ire, and she is my current roommate.
I woke up to Ebony shaking me lightly from my sleep. "Aislinn, you need to get up for work in an hour." I sat up on the dirty mattress we had brought in from out on the streets.
"What time is it?" I asked, yawning and stretching my limbs. My day time job was at the meat packaging plant with Ebony. And then at the end of the day we'd come home to eat dinner and then head off to the pub owned by a friend of my mother to help out. Doc was my mother's friend, he took Ebony and I in under his wing and raised us to who we are today. He was actually more of a father than my actual Da was, and thats speaking for both me and Ebony.
"It's 7:02 a.m." Her voice was muffled by the sweater she was putting on over her head. Our true dream jobs were to become famous musicians known throughout Europe and North America, but for now we just work as lower class civilians. I rolled off of my bed and landed with a thud and got off the ground. The blanket fell of my lanky body and I made my way to the pile of clothes lying on the floor in the corner of the loft we shared. I was only clad in a faded black tank top with a pair of royal blue boxers.
Quickly I dressed and left my friend alone with her own clothes trouble. She soon followed me down the street, our foot steps becoming in tune with each other. I pulled a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and pulled one out then offered the open pack to my friend who declined with great disgust. "How can you smoke those? You know they'll be the death of you," she stated, worry in her voice.
"I know. But they calm my nerves."
It's true. Smoking was one way to calm my unsettled nerves the other way was to drink a Guinness and forget my problems. I yawned. Today was going to be a very long day and all I was looking forward to was going to the pub and drink away my bad day.


I was busy wrapping up some cow meat when I noticed that Murphy MacManus was pressed up against the stone wall with a thick slab of meat in his hands. He motioned for everyone in the room to be quiet. I gave him a questioning look until I saw he fraternal twin brother Connor walk in, giving everyone of us in the room a questioning look that had matched my own because we had stopped our work to look at him. Had he not seen his brother standing there?
"What?" he asked his voice full of confusion. He was taken off guard by his brother slapping him straight in the face with the slab of meat had been holding. Everyone roared with laughter, I chuckled lightly to myself. Ebony who had been standing on the other side of the counter snickered as Connor continued to stand their dumb struck. Murphy was soon tackled by his brother onto a pile of hamburger meat that was sitting next to a pile of cow tongues.
Connor picked one of the tongues up and started whacking his brother in the face with it. Everyone around them continued laughing.
As Connor let go of his brother, Murphy got off of the table and both turned around to come face to face with our boss and a large woman behind him. "This is Rose, Baum, Gurtle... Gurtle." It seemed that the large woman behind him had a long name, a name hard to pronounce.
"It's Rozengurtle Baumgartner," she said.
Ebony and I tried not to let out a bark of laughter which caused Connor to glance our way. "With a name like that, no wonder McGerkin had a hard time pronouncing it," I whispered to Ebony, who in turn tried desperately not to laugh at what I had said.
"You'll be training her today, and do a good job." He gave Connor a stern look.
"Aye," the twins said in unison.
Connor wiped his hand on his white blood stained coat and extended it to Rozengurtle as a greeting. "Pleased to meet ye Rozie."
Rozengurtle lifted her chin to point at a tattoo that was on her neck which read Untouched by man. "I prefer to be called Rozengurtle by men." Her voice held venom as she spoke each word.

Connor looked at her, taken aback by the tone of her voice. "Okay then... Well then, lets get ye started." He walked away, Rozengurtle right behind him.
As soon as they were out of ear shot, I could hear the conversation Murphy was having with McGerkin. I started snickering harder at the statement Murphy had made about McGerkins Ma. And I laughed a bit harder when McGerkin had told Murphy to fuck off as the young man had trotted away to his station.
I went back to packaging the meat that had been placed before me. Unaware of what was going to happen in only a few seconds. "Rule of thumb?" came a harsh reply from just down from Murphy's station and only a few feet away from mine and Ebony's.
Uh-oh...
"Do you know where that term comes from?" I stopped my work once more and turned to see the argument at the station Connor was at. Rozengurtle had turned to face all of us as she made her speech. "In the early 1900's it was legal for men to beat their wives as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb."
Connor held up his thumb and examined it. "Can't do much damage with that. Perhaps it shoulda been the rule of wrist. Ha!" he exclaimed, nudging the large angry woman before him. "The rule of wrist."
She only gave him an icy glare and took the knife he held out to her and turned away from him to start cutting the fat from the meat. Connor walked over to his brother's station with a devious smirk on his face. Why does he have to start trouble? I asked myself mentally as I watched what the light-brown haired MacManus brother was about to do.
Everyone within ear shot could hear what he was saying to his brother. "Hey Murphy?" he asked loudly so that even Rozengurtle could hear him.
"Aye."
By now a smirk could be seen gracing Connors lips. "Shit," I muttered, dropping the piece of meat had just wrapped and walked over to Murphy's station with Ebony right behind me. If it was one thing we knew, it was the fact that whatever the twins did, it would cause them to get in trouble.
"How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?" he asked.
"How many?" his brother asked.
"Two. One to actually screw in the light bulb and a wee one to suck my cock while I supervise." Both twins burst out laughing.
Mine and Ebony's eyes widened. Connor had just crossed the line that no one should cross with a lesbian. The brothers burst out laughing while everyone around them stared on in horror. I heard Rozengurtle stab the knife she had been using into the piece of meat she had been working on and turn to face Connor as he walked towards her. She shoved him with some force, but he was still laughing.
That was one thing about the Irish you had to admire. They took nothing personal except for when you messed with their friends and family. "I knew you two pricks would give me problems. Give me shit just because I'm a woman. I'm not going to take your male dominance bullshit!"
"Connor, you should just keep your trap shut before you make the situation any worse," I muttered to the wise cracking twin as I stood and watched Rozengurtle become furious. But Connor, being the young man that he was, ignored my warning and continued speaking.
"Oh come on Rozengurtle, I was just tryin' t' get a rise outta ye." If that was his way of trying to calm her down, then it was a shitty attempt because it only fueled her rage more. I slapped my forehead with my hand in annoyance.
"Yeah. Just tryin' to break the ice is all," said Murphy, coming to his brothers aid. Ebony rubbed her temples as if trying to get rid of a headache she felt coming. This did not bode well at all.
Rozengurtle turned to Murphy. "Fuck you," she spat, then turned to face Connor and yelled at him, "Fuck you too!"
Oh yeah, this didn't bode well at all a thousand times over. I think they were acting like this because it was Ireland's favorite day, a good reason to get drunk and have fun. It was Saint Patrick's day, a day were everyone was considered Irish despite their ethnic background.
"Oh, come on it's St. Paddy's day. Its all in good fun," said Murphy trying to make the situation pleasant.
By now everyone in the factory was staring at us. I felt the need to slap both twins but restrained myself from doing so.
"Does Baumgartner sound Irish to you, fuck face?" she asked harshly, looking straight at Murphy. Ebony and I could tell that this was going to get ugly real fast.
Now it was Connors turn to speak up again. "Now look Rozengurtle, were sorry. Just relax." Baumgartner turned around and socked the handsome man in the face, but that didn't knock him down at all. He continued to speak. "Why don't ye save all your aggression for the protests and marches and what not?"
Without a given warning, Rozengurtle kicked her boot clad foot right between Connors legs and got him where it hurt the most. Ebony and I gaped in horror as Connor doubled over in pain, falling backwards onto the low counter where the fat of the meat was dropped into between cracks. I quickly went to his aid to make sure he was alright.
"You fuckin' slave. Kowtowing to the needs of men! Get up! Get the fuck up! Leave him there."
I felt anger rise in me. "There's something ye should never do ye lesbian feminist bitch, and that's mess with an Irishman's friend. We Irish take nothing personal unless ye mess with our friends and family!" I roared, shoving the large woman back.
Rozengurtle didn't seem fazed by my actions. She did however, push me backwards and I fell right on top of Connor. He groaned in more pain. "Damn bitch," I muttered, rolling off of the man below me. I watched as the lesbian turn away from me and Connor, only to be socked square in the face by Murphy with Ebony standing behind him with a shocked face.
"Guess you'll have to change that tattoo now, wont ye Rozie?!" he hollered at the now unconscious woman.
On a platform just a few feet away from us, our boss McGerkin muttered the word shit, knowing that he'd have to deal with the enraged lesbian once shed gained her consciousness.



* * *



I watched as Murphy and Connor struggled up the stairs. Connor was still doubled over in pain from the kick to the nuts. Murphy giggled like a little kid and so did Ebony and myself. "Fuck all of ye," he said bitterly, flicking away his last cigarette butt out the open hallway window.
"I'm going to the drug store, anyone want anything?" Ebony asked, stifling a yawn with the back of her hand.
"I'll take a pack of smokes."
"Same," replied the twins in unison.
I handed Ebony a five dollar bill and watched her leave down the loft elevator. Turning back to the twins who just stood out their door. "Murphy, get your brother inside now before he blacks out."
"Aislinn, you're a kind girl ye are. I don't know why your Da hates ye." Connor had a soft Irish accented voice that could rock anyone to sleep, and so did his brother. They're voice was like a lullaby and I strangely felt at ease around them.
"Now, why is it that around me and Ebony that you two act like angels, but around women like Rozengurtle, you have to act like swine?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, giving both twins a hard look.
"'Cause ye two are innocent angels that have graced our presence with your pure auras," Murphy said, trying to sweet talk me into smiling. And it worked.
"You're just saying that because ye know I can kick your asses."
Connor placed the key from his pocket into the lock and unlocked the door. All three of us walked into the run down loft. I took a seat on the ratty looking couch, pricking my ass on a spring that had been sticking out of the cushion which caused me to jump in surprise. "Shit, man, the two of ye need to get a better couch."

"What else is new?" Murphy muttered, removing his clothing and grabbing a towel form the small pantry they had.
I turned my attention the sound of the small old fashioned refrigerator and found Connor already in the nude. Quickly, I closed my eyes as he took a seat right next to me with a bag of ice chips in hand and a Guinness in the other, he placed the bag of ice on his sore crotch that had been kicked by a lesbian lumber jack. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as he took a swig from his beer.
There was silence between all three of us that was soon broken by the sound of the phone that was on the floor sitting next to me. Opening my eyes I reached over and answered the phone. "MacManus residence, their friend Aislinn O'Reilly speaking. Oh, hello Mother MacManus. Yeah Connors here." I handed the phone to Connor.
"Ma, is that you?"
Murphy cursed under his breath. "Theres no fuckin' hot water. That--"
Quickly I shushed him and mouthed out the words It's-Your-Mother. His mouth shut like a Venus fly trap and stared at his naked twin brother.
Yes, both twin brothers were butt naked and I had to sit and bear with it.
"I finally found your Da's old army revolver, Connor."
"What are ye doing with Da's old gun?" Connor asked, worry filled his voice.
"Da's gun, what the fuck?" Murphy muttered, getting closer to his brother to listen in on the conversation.
"Ive got it t me head now."
I could hear what she was saying. Was she serious? Was she going to kill herself because of the boys? I swore to the Lord that I felt the color drain from my face and my entire body go numb. Annabelle MacManus was like a mother to me, only she lived in Ireland and now she was going to kill herself? I felt woozy.
"What the hell are ye doing?" Connor demanded.
"What the fuck?" he motioned for his brother to tell him what was going on.
"I want t tell ye one last thing before I pull the trigger."
Connor was now in semi hysterics. "Pull the trigger?! Have ye lost it woman?! Now get a hold of yourself!"
Sensing that something bad was about to happen, Murphy grabbed his pants off of the clothes wire he had hung them on and rushed back over to his brother. He looked at my face and started panicking. "No, Ma, wait!"
"Listen to Connor now; I'm talking some sense into ye! Listen t' me!" Connor was half shouting into the receiver.
I placed a hand on his bare shoulder, but he seemed to not notice. Although they were twenty-seven years old, they were still mamas boys. They loved their ma deeply. I watched as panic engulfed both boys with a fierce hold. Hell, I was the same way when my ma was laying on her death bed, I had been crying and begging her not to leave but she left me anyways to be with her Ma and Da.
"Ma! Ma! Ma!" Murphy was yelling now.
"I blame you!"
"No! Ma! Jesus Christ, Ma! Don't fuckin' pull it! I swear to fuckin' God! Jesus, Ma-!"
I could hear a door being opened on the other line and then the sound of the gun being fired. Instinctively Connor shot up from his seat, the bag of ice dropping from his grip and spilling the ice onto the floor, he dropped the phone and it skipped across the spilled ice.
Both Murphy and Connor dove after it and fumbled with it, placing it between both of them so they could hear anything on the other line. "Jesus fucking Christ! Ma! Ma!? Ma!? Ma!? Ma!?" both screamed. To me it sounded as though they were both about to cry. I too felt like I was going to cry. My heart felt like it dropped into the darkness of the recesses of my body.
There was a long pause on the other side, nothing but silence until a fit of giggles erupted until it turned into a roar of laughter and a fit of coughing.
"Christ, Ma that was a good one."
"Evil woman," Connor groaned, reaching beneath him and cupping his sore groin.
"Oh, Jesus! No, Ma, no! Christ, Ma, no!"
Murphy held the phone away from their ears as more laughter erupted from their mother. "She"s quite proud of herself," he stated, glad that his Ma was still alive, but pissed off with her at the same time.
"Well of course she is!" Connor muttered harshly.
"Okay, seriously I want you both to listen t me now."

-click-
"We're both here, ma," Murphy said.
"What is it? We're here."
"Its only 11 here boys, so I got lots more drinking to do with your worthless relatives down at the Anvil."
"Just call to torture us, did ye?" Murphy asked.
"Connor, when am I going t get a daughter-in-law and some grandchildren?" That question caught Connor off guard and caused him to start a fit of coughing.
"What's brought this up, ma?"
"You're both twenty-seven years old. I would o' thought ye'd both be settled down by now. Connor, you and Aislinn make a nice couple."
I dropped the Guinness I had just pulled out of the fridge. "E-excuse me?" I asked, bewildered by that statement.

-click-
There's Chapter One! Hope ye liked it!