|Matt| Chasing our dreams [oneshot] is just a distraction |Rubano|

"Don't tell me who I have to be."
Those were his last words.
His last words before he walked out. Out of the door. Out of my apartment.
Out of my life.
And I'm not so sure

It's your fault.
I had driven him away with the way I had acted.
Why does everything always have to be perfect for you?
Because nothing ever was. Because I had always wanted a picture-book like life. Because I knew I would never get it.
And I had lost the only thing in my life that actually ever seemed nearly perfect.
I had lost Matt.
If I'm sure of anything anymore

Why did I have to tell him that he was a bad boyfriend?
He never was.
He was better of a boyfriend than I could ever have asked for.
Because you wanted him all to yourself.
I didn't want to share him with anyone. May it be his band, his fans - I felt like they all just wanted to steal him from me.
Why did I have to make him choose between me and the band?
I should have known what he'd do anyways.
Taking Back Sunday was his life.
And I?
I was just Marissa.
A random girl that he'd be able to replace anytime easily.
A random girl that showed him how much she loved him by trying to take away what he loved most: his music.
So this is the last night

And I dealt with it just the same as I usually do with problems.
I drowned it. I drowned it like I had promised Matt I would never do it with any of my problems again.
But he wasn't here to care about it anyways.
And he will never be there again either.
Exactly.
It had started again slowly with me taking a bottle of beer from the freezer.
One turned to two. Two turned to four.
And four bottles of beer turned to a bottle of whiskey.
And if I'd had more of it at home, I'd drunk it all.
You shouldn't...
Shut up.
That you'll be keeping

All of a sudden I had the perfect idea.
I threw the empty bottle away, causing a clinking sound as it hit the floor and rolled against the next wall.
Then I took my cell phone out of my pocket.
I tried to start a text message, but the keys seemed to blur in front of my vision.
Damn it.
I gave it up and quickly dialed Matt's cell phone number in.
I didn't need to look at the number keys for that, I knew the movements by heart after I'd called him so many times.
After a few seconds of constantly increasing annoyance, caused by the dialing tone which really wasn't helping my already growing headache, I finally heard the voice that made me so sick.
You don't mean that.
Shut the fuck up!!!
Right at the moment, I was so mad at him for no apparent reason. Actually it was my own fault that he walked out on me after all.
And deep down, where that voice came from all the time, I knew that.
"Yeah, what is it?"
I immediately started prattling into the phone.
"I... I don't even need you... you or your fucking shit!!! I can live great without you too! You say you know me, and then you can't... can't even see it when I'm saying things I don't... don't... don't-"
Completely out of nowhere, I was choking on tears and I didn't know why.
Just before, I had pretty much wanted to kill him and now I was about to start crying? It was so confusing. And my pounding head didn't make it any better.
"Mar-"
When he wanted to say something, I quickly tried to regain as much composure as possible and continued, trying my best not to let my voice tell that my tears were already threatening to fall.
"Things that I don't even mean!! I love you so... so fucking much, I don't want to lose you!!!"
"Marissa..."
I simply hung up on him and burst into tears.
Secrets from me

I slowly opened my eyes as I felt someone breathing on my neck.
After blinking a few times to get the sleepiness out of my eyes, I stared to see a pair of deep blue ones staring back at me.
Matt shifted around to face me directly and kissed me deeply.
"Promise me you won't drink again and finally keep it too."
"I promise."
Are you really finally going to keep it?
Yes, I am.



Meeeeeh. The title doesn't fit it at all, and I know it. Still...?

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