This Is What the Laws of Grammar Say

The Seven Deadly Sins


hii guyz! sup?! GuEsS WhAt? Lyke, i tolly maked a new tut! innit like, gr8? Kk! lol! g2g luvs. thx! ps srry bout typos. bein la-z.

Chat Talk. Oddly enough, your readers don't really enjoy reading this type of writing. It is called chat talk for a reason. If your reader wanted to read that, they would talk to you on aim, msn, yahoo, whatever. In fact, I despise chat talk when I'm chatting. I'm all for the start of an organization entitled: Whatever Happened to English? or maybe something like: Protect the Vowels!

In all reality though, it gives the appearance that you have the IQ of a retarded chimpanzee. Everything has its place - even the retarded chimpanzee knows who it is and isn't okay to throw feces at. Besides, it's not an efficient form of typing either. It took me longer to insist to my computer that I really did want my words to look like that than it would to just type them out properly. AnD fOr ThE fAnS oF tHiS – just type normally for heaven's sake, you're going to sprain your pinky going for that shift key.
Also, it is impossible to be descriptive with chat talk. Lol does not offer any kind of qualitative, in touch, connection with your character's Urkel-worthy snort laugh. It doesn't even let me know that he has an Urkel laugh, just that he laughed, and it happened to be out loud. Shoot. And I was hoping it was a silent laugh.



"oh im sorry, I cant tell if you’re review was saractis and commanding or if you were just being a d.ick? Not everything will go your way in life sweetheart, trust me. If you need a way of escaping life reading is a great way to do so, but you have to realize that even those stories wont be your perfect tea. Id tell you to grow up but, I really don’t have it in me to be a bi.tch right now. Thank you for reading, maybe if im lucky enough this epilogue will get my stories back on your favourites lit. pfft."

Being Hateful to the Readers. The Bambi Rule. If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And yes, this is a real response from an author to a reviewer on fictionpress. Slightly disgusting, isn't it? Especially since I'm almost positive that she's not terribly sure what the word bi.tch means.

Writing is really just a complex form of customer service. Think of it like this. Imagine yourself in a diner. It’s a pretty nice place - it doesn’t break the wallet, but it’s not steak and wine either. Except, well, the cole slaw you were served is starting to sour, and it’s really, really gross. Not to mention probably in violation of some health code or another. So you call your waitress and ask to speak to the manager, because, after all, they are serving you rotting food and this is probably something that should be brought to their attention. It is a decent place, and they probably haven’t done it on purpose. So when the manager comes out, and you let him know that the slaw is bad. And he says thanks for letting me know, is very nice, apologizes, and even gives you a discount on your meal for your trouble. You’d be more than happy to eat there again. But what if he came out in a huff, was unfriendly, rude, and called you an idiot. You’d likely never eat there again, or only under extreme duress. The reader is your customer. Serve what you serve, but serve it well.

Here's the deal. People will love you, people will hate you, and not everyone is going to be nice to you. You, as the author, are above all the crap. Suck it up, take a deep breath, and count to ten. You published your work – you opened it up to all critiques. Free speech is something that applies to everyone. I'm not saying not to stick up for yourself or defend your fic. You're its mama, that is also your prerogative. However, you want to do it in a manner that is above reproof. IE: In proper grammar, with exemplary spelling, and enough grace and etiquette to make them choke on their words. Be sure to calmly explain any possible misconstrued plot points. Thank them for their suggestions, and let them know that it gave you something to ponder – even if it was just their sanity (but don't tell them that). If the review is a personal attack, simply ignore it – they aren't worth the time of day anyhow. You are, of course, also well within your rights to delete it. However, do not delete it immediately. Let it sit for a day, an hour, ten minutes, and make sure that it is a personal attack and not a harsh review on your writing style that just ticked you off.

No matter how much your story is loved, remember that you are not all that and a bag of chips. People actually read the stories of the "chat talkers" - so it's no wonder that yours looks wonderful by comparison. So, please, refrain from flattering yourself, dissing your 'opponents,' and do not run your readers through the ringer. They are not under any obligation to read your story, do not run them off. If you do run them off, do not complain about having no readers, because we won't care. And will silently (or openly) laugh in your face.



I changed the formatting, and the girl's name, and the city it's in, so it's not plagiarism, you reject.

Plagiarism. For the love of all that is Holy and good, do not do this. The above is the paraphrasing of a girl (no, not an author – authors actually write) formerly known as MissCottington-somenumberoranother on Quizilla. The original was overrun with chat talk and curse words and enough poor grammar to cause me to have a small seizure, hence the paraphrasing.

It makes me sad that some people need this explained to them. However, someone has to tell them, or they'll be booted out of college faster than they can thumb their nose at me. As defined by my beloved copy of The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, plagiarism means to present the ideas or words of another as one's own. Now, I know there are similar stories – in fanfics certain things become happenstance or 'fanon' and in all writing, there are trends and phases where certain types of story become popular. However, there is a huge difference between being inspired by someone and stealing their work, and you know it.

The best thing a plagiarizer can be compared to is a thief. Or possibly scum, but that's more personal than metaphoric. Either way, what few people realize is that it's really selling themselves short. Find something that you're good at, and do that instead. Also, quite a few of the writing websites do have copyright info at the bottom of every chapter of every story. So, legally, should someone actually do it, you could have charges pressed against you. More likely, you could get in trouble with the site and be banned. This is probably the one thing that can make the most unflappable author curse more, and with the most creative combinations, than a sailor.



I ain't never did nothin so terribly in my life. Its like when your not their, but there not there. When, like, life happen. They was.

Atrocious Grammar. I know you've at least possessed a grammar book at some point. Open it up, learn it, love it, and use it. Grammar is the common sense of the writing world. It is the glue that holds your story together, and knowing how to manipulate it is what makes the difference between an okay story and a great one. Of course, there are times when, stylistically, you have to sacrifice grammar to obtain another element, but please, do this sparingly and only when it enhances your writing.

So grammar is chock full of all kinds of rules, however, there are some that are totally non-negotiable. One of these is subject verb agreement. The number of subject must match the number of your verb. Singular subject, singular verb. Plural subject, plural verb. They was. Oh no they wasn't. They were! They were, they were, they were! The only exception to this rule is I and you – both of these get plural verbs. A subject referring to a group can be singular in itself eg: class, group, and club are all singular subjects. It is just one class, one group, and one club, so they get a singular verb. If you get stuck trying to decide if a verb is plural or singular, look at the end of the verb. Lots of times, singular verbs end with a 'S.'

The other mostly non-negotiable rule is double negatives. Just like when you multiply negatives together, they cancel each other out. 'Ain't you never?' means 'Are you ever?' Not 'Aren't you?'. Dialogue is one exception to this rule. Some people do speak with double negatives.

Also, watch the way you arrange your words – misplaced modifiers can give your audience the wrong impression. "Walking through the park, the grass tickled my feet." Since when does grass walk? A better alternative would be "As I walked through the park, the grass tickled my feet." or "Walking through the park, I found the grass tickled my feet."

Last, but not least, be careful of fragments and run-ons. They happen to all of us. I might be the queen of run-ons; if not, I sure give her a run for her money. Just watch that you don't let it get out of control. If you use a program like Word or Corel WordPerfect, it should let you know when you have a run-on or fragment. Not all fragments, are bad, however. They can, as I mentioned earlier, be used to emphasize a point (Singular subject, singular verb. Plural subject, plural verb.)



"Mary's father smoked. She thought it was a disgusting thing."
…2 paragraphs later…
"Mary pulled out a cigarette and lit it, relishing the taste of it on her lips."

Brain Farts. Please, write down your plot. At least go back and reread your last chapter. Keep your facts straight. Make notes of your characters thoughts things. If their great grandma is dead and everyone knows it, do not give her a post-mortem appearance. That is not good. You want your audience to be able to identify with your character, that means the character's actions need to be consistent with her thoughts and beliefs, whatever they might be. They might be a mean cur, but make sure they're the same mean cur all the way through.



Wendy was about 5'8", she had long, curly blonde hair and big, bright blue eyes. Her boobs were ginormous, though they weren't too big, and were well proportioned to her hips. Her waist was 16 inches, and her legs went on for miles. Her father was the richest man in town, and as such it was pointless for her to even look at anything non-designer. But don't go thinking she's a dummy, because she's also the school's valedictorian, and did I mention that she saves small children from abusive parents on a regular basis?

Creation of Zombie Characters. Real people have bad hair days. A story is about what happens to people. If you cannot create a character that your audience can relate to, they won't care about your story. Mary Sue and Gary Stu aren't really our favorites. We get tired of reading about saints! Real people have depth, they have quirks and tendencies, and things they don't like about themselves. They don't always fit in, and they probably don't have extra special powers. All people are a complex mix of good and bad, one of those 'shades of grey' things. Don't get me wrong, it is okay to have stereotypes in your story. However, keep them in their place. Stereotypical characters – stock characters – are in the background, a character that isn't necessarily a main character but is still kind of important. If you can sum up your character in a sentence, then they are probably flat.



Hey Hannah how's it goin?

If perchance she did manage to get to the dozing stage of sleep he would let out a booming snore and jolt her back to awareness even if the only thing to be aware of was the flashing VCR clock across the room.

Invisible Punctuation. Don't forget to pause and take a breath! Yes, the words and the grammar are half the battle, but don't forget about inner sentence punctuation. And there's more to it than the periods and question marks. It's all in the phrasing. The punctuation creates the phrasing. The phrasing creates the mood. The mood gives your words the umph. The umph gives your reader goose pimples.
"Hey Hannah how's it goin?" can say several different things. You can be excited to see a long lost friend. "Hey! Hannah! How's it going!" You can be mean and sarcastic. "Hey, Hannah – how's it goin?" (although, a proper setting and surrounding dialogue would make that a bit more menacing) You could be greeting your hairdresser. "Hey, Hannah, how's it goin?"

Sometimes, though, a sentence just needs to be broken up some so the reader doesn't get overwhelmed. Of course, the way it's broken up often determines whether or not it comes across right or not, but still. The comma, dash, and semi-colon all serve as little reminders to the reader. "Stop, slow down, take a breath, but just a little one; okay, you can keep going now."

Case in point: " If perchance she did manage to get to the dozing stage of sleep he would let out a booming snore and jolt her back to awareness even if the only thing to be aware of was the flashing VCR clock across the room." You're out of breath when you finish it, aren't you? Try it this way: "If, perchance, she did manage to get to the dozing stage of sleep, he would let out a booming snore and jolt her back to awareness - even if the only thing to be aware of was the flashing VCR clock across the room." You have to read it slower now, don't you. Also, check out the almost sinister, growing pissed-off-woman-hear-me-roar mood it's building. You're wondering where she's getting to, aren't you? What's going to happen next?

Just keep in mind a few key rules. Semi-colons separate two complete but related sentences. "The cat was black; Mary didn't want a black cat." Not "The cat was black; her favorite color." Her favorite color is not a complete sentence. Commas break up incomplete sentences, clauses, separate out phrases and lists. It should also be used to separate two adjectives in a row and placed before a conjunction. If you want a larger, more dramatic pause, use a dash.