Johnny Christ |{Destiny is Shattered and Timeless}| Chapter Twenty-Two

All essence of being leaves your body as the world around you fades, and your gaze meets one that you thought you'd never see again. All sense of sound, touch, smell, and taste leaves your body, and all you see is Johnny. Standing there. Just over the threshold of your home.

You can't seem to feel your legs anymore, nor your hand resting on the doorknob, or your feet on the ground. The blood in your veins has turned to ice and your heart has surely stopped beating. Your soul is screaming, wailing, needing...

"Get out!"

You move to slam the door in Johnny's unshaven face, but the man is too quick for you. With a firm grip he stops the door from crushing him in the jamb, his hollow eyes boring into your own, pleading with you to stop.

"Get off Johnny!" you scream, trying with all your might to squeeze him out of your way as tears of rage and loathing, of lost love and despair, cling to your lashes and glisten in your eyes. "I never want to see you again!"

"Danielle listen to me..."

"No!"

"Danielle please..."

Sitting in stunned silence, Hallie and Gabe watch as you wrestle to close the door, your grief and abandoned hope eventually getting the best of you. With a cry of torment you shrink away from the door and Johnny nearly falls to the ground, his limbs visibly shaking, heartache of his own shining in his hazel eyes.

"Danielle, please, just listen..."

"Don't touch me."

Johnny retracts the hand he was moving towards you, his fingers white, as is the rest of his body. He takes a step back, watching as you turn your back to him, wrapping your arms around your mid-section and lower your head, closing your bleary eyes to allow your tears to fall.

"Danielle---"

"Hallie, will you take Gabriel to his nursery?" you ask your friend, looking up at her pleadingly. Silently, she nods, picking up your child in her arms, who is ironically calling for his father, reaching out with chubby arms.

"Da! Da!"

The two disappear down the hallway and still you keep your back to Johnny, knowing that you can't face him. That it's not in you to turn around and look at him, the pain too much. The horror too much. The turmoil just too much.

"Why are you here?"

Your voice is shaking, your limbs even more so, as tears cascade down your delicate cheeks. Johnny watches in frustration and sadness as you keep from looking at him, refusing to even acknowledge that he stands behind you.

"I needed to see you again..." Johnny says, his voice faint, his eyes flickering to the ground. He never knew it would hurt this much, to see you again.

"You shouldn't be here. I want you to go home." you say firmly, though your voice betrays how actually strong you feel about this situation, wavering at certain words, straining your already tight voice.

"Danielle please, I... I have to talk to you... To tell you I'm sorry..."

"I don't want to hear it!" you suddenly shriek angrily, turning to face Johnny with tears of scorn falling from your eyes. "I've heard your apologies before, and what happened?! You go and trash everything we ever had Johnny! You ruined my life! And all you can say is sorry?!"

Johnny visibly cringes, his face letting you see how distraught he really is. But you don't care. After so many nights of feeling like you did something wrong, that it was your fault that he cheated on you, looking on Johnny now, his unshaven face, his dull eyes, you know it is not your fault. Because you can feel his guilt.

"I know sorry isn't good enough." Johnny says, his voice but a whisper. "But I thought I would come to say it anyway." He pauses, looking down at his hands as you watch him with pain-ridden eyes, your body trembling from head to toe. "I know it probably doesn't mean much but I wanted you to know that if I could take it back, I would. I hate myself, Danielle, for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. If I could just go back in time and take it all back..." He looks away, his eyes vacant and hollow as you watch him, your heart tearing at his words.

"But I guess it doesn't mean anything now. You want nothing to do with me." Johnny draws in a shaking breath, and your heart jumps as you watch him turn towards the door, his gait slow and unsure. "I'm sorry Danielle, for everything."

He moves towards the door of your apartment, and before you can stop yourself, a choked, "Wait." comes through parted lips, and you take a step towards Johnny. He turns back to you quickly, his hopeful, anxious eyes slipping over the panes of your face; the eyes that were filled with tears like your own.

"Stay."
N
And so Johnny stays. But neither of you speak with one another, and this gives you time to think. You spend the day watching Johnny and his son, the son he hadn't seen for months, and there's no mistaking the happiness that Johnny exhibits at the reunion of father and son.

You couldn't let Johnny just walk out of your life. You couldn't let him walk out again. Maybe you shouldn't be doing this. Maybe you should let him go, live the life he wants. But Johnny has changed, that is enough to see, and maybe he wants what you tried to keep from him for the last few months. A family.

He truly was sorry. For a man, and a man that didn't apologize often, that apology came straight from Johnny's soul. And that's why you let him stay. You desired his love again almost as much as he desired your own, and though you want to kick yourself in the teeth for giving in to the man that had broken your heart too many times, you can't find yourself to let him go completely. You love this man with every ounce of your being. There's no going back.

That night, Johnny takes you out to dinner. Hallie offers to watch Gabriel for you two, and after changing into more suitable clothing, you and Johnny head off silently into the night. Not a word is spoken, because there is so much to be said and not enough time to cover everything. There would never be enough time to go through everything, but being with Johnny again makes you realize that didn't matter. What mattered was that you were with Johnny again.

Seated in a booth at the Blarny Stone Restuarant in the heart of New York City, you and Johnny avoid catching the other's eye. The silence between the two of you is deafening, though the noise of the restuarant is almost overwhelming. But all you hear, smell, taste, see, feel... is Johnny. And nothing else matters. Nothing else ever did.

"What can I getcha two to drink?" a red-headed waitress asks, appearing at the end of your table with a pad in hand and a pencil behind her ear.

"Coke." you say softly, and the red-headed waitress nods, taking the pencil from behind her ear to write down what you asked.

"Water." Johnny says, surprising you so much that you look up, a slight frown on your delicate features. Johnny catches the look but says nothing until the waitress moves off with your drink orders taken.

"I can't do it anymore, Danielle." Johnny says, shaking his head and looking down at the wooden table, chipped and stained yet polished clean. "I can't live my life the way I have been. I was eventually going to kill myself."

The words sear straight through your heart, tearing at the very love you still held true for Johnny. You look at him, trying with everything in you to hold back the tears building under your lashes.

"I was drinking nonstop Danielle. I got it into my head that I was never good enough, and never would be. That I was a drugged out, alcoholic fuck-up who had no one in the world, who people wanted nothing to do with. All I could do was play bass and sleep, and think about you. The thought of your smiling face was the only reason I didn't stick a gun in my mouth, Danielle. The hope that maybe I'd see it again someday."

"Matt tried to talk me out of it. He tried to get me to stop drinking, to clean up my act. But I couldn't. I couldn't because I knew I would never see you again. That I screwed up so badly, that you didn't even want to think about me." Johnny shakes his head, looking down at the table, clearly disgusted with himself. "If I just had stopped to think and not acted on my anger..."

He lifts his head then, a new light shining in his beautiful, hazel eyes. Your heart stops at that look, and in this moment, you feel every fiber of your being calling to Johnny. Wanting that love you once shared, to be reborn.

"Danielle, please, I'm begging for one more chance. I can't live without you. If I have to go back to Huntington Beach alone, knowing that you don't love me anymore, then I won't be able to carry on. I know you've forgiven me so many times, but I'm begging you, Danielle, please, just for one more shot at us. I promise, after we're done with the new album, there will be an us, better than there was before. One that I won't fuck up. I just..." Johnny looks down, bringing his hand to his face, and the gesture sends a tear trailing down your face. "I know I don't deserve another chance, but I love you Danielle, and I can't live without you."

Staring at the man across from you, the man you knew better than yourself, you feel yourself break instantly. There is nothing you wouldn't do for him. Nothing in high heaven or hell could make you stop loving him. This, right here, was the sincerest apology you had ever received, and you can feel it's worth all the way down to your very bones. Johnny spoke the truth, something he had always done with you.

"Don't you dare hurt me, Johnny Seward." you say through a trembling voice, causing Johnny's head to jerk up, his wide eyes centered on you. You shake your head, tears streaming down your face as you utter the words you've been keeping in for what seemed like an eternity.

"I love you so much."

You and Johnny return home that night much in the way you came; in silence. Though this time, your bodies are linked by the single, simple gesture of laced fingers, and a bond felt more than seen; the bond of love.

Together you move into the apartment, which is dark and serene, despite the bustling city below. You lead Johnny to your bedroom next to Gabriel's, pushing open the door that led to the dark confines of your private haven. Johnny steps inside, then closes the door behind him, and you turn to face him, looking into his handsome face. The love between you two is stronger than ever, and so long as you live, will never be broken.

"I love you Dani." Johnny breathes, lifting his calloused hands to your face, to your flawless cheeks. He rubs them gently, and you close your eyes to his warmth, stepping closer to his body so you could press against him, your own hands on his chest. "I never stopped loving you, not for one second, and I don't plan to ever." He leans down to brush his lips across your's delicately, from one corner to the other, his own eyes fluttering at the touch of kissing something so tender. "I promise I'll make it up to you. I promise I'll always be there."

You smile softly, believing his words like you had so many times before. But, unlike before, you didn't doubt a single syllable. You knew these words came from his heart and Johnny planned to live by them for the rest of his days.

"I won't ever hurt you again."
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