LifeLine

Thunder rumbles in the distance.
I wonder if you hear it too.
The rain splashes against my windows.
I wonder if you hear it's beat.
Lightning flashes against the inky sky.
I wonder if you saw it with those green eyes.
A tear slips out.
I wonder if you know it was you.
It was always you.
I wander over to the sink.
You used to do the dishes there,
A simple chore.
I would give anything for you to be standing there now.
The rain still falls outside.
At least one thing has carried on
Without you.
I bite my lip and wonder if you hear
The dog barking in the distance.
You're in my every thought.
My every word and gesture.
I open a cabinet, it's hinges sqeak.
You never fixed it like you said you would.
You said a lot of things.
That you would clean the garage,
Make me dinner on my birthday,
Remember our aniversary,
Love me.
You never did any of those.
I pull the box of razorblades down.
I drop them and the clatter to the counter.
I wonder if you heard that.
I break open the box.
The hinge snapped off.
It won't close anymore.
That's okay.
I won't be needing it pretty soon.
I take out the longest blade.
It's the sharpest.
It's also the thickest.
It feels like ice against my skin.
I gently draw it across my wrist,
Imagining how it would feel.
But you don't cut veins across.
You open them from top to bottom.
My breath is ragged.
I wonder if you hear it.
More tears fall.
I wonder if you can see them.
I split my skin as deep as the blade will go.
My blood spills into the sink
Where you stood not that long ago.
The drops splatter sickeningly.
I wonder if you hear them too.
Time for the other arm.
Crimson stains the countertop.
The edges of my world are disappearing.
I fall to the cold floor.
I wonder if you heard that.
I pull down on the phone cord.
Dial your number.
While everything is fading slowly.
My arms hurt.
Your voice comes out from the phone.
Answering machine.
You're not there.
Again.
I leave you the last message of my life.
"I miss you! Please just...
come home to me. I'm dying love...
I know you don't love me anymore.
But I love you.
Please know that.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Don't let me go alone..."
The machine stops.
Your voice comes over the line.
It's really you.
You're screaming at me to not move
To not pass out
To not give up.
I already have.
Minutes later, I'm surrounded by haze.
It's black and smothering,
But you told me to wait.
And I'd wait for you forever.
My door bursts open.
Men in blue uniforms
And white uniforms come inside.
You are with them.
You grasp me and shake me.
Why?
Why did I do it?
Isn't it obvious?
I don't have the energy to talk though.
Everything's going so fast.
You're shirtless.
You smell like musk and perfume.
Another girl's perfume.
Suddenly, I can see you with her.
Kissing her in your bed
With your pink lips
And green eyes
As your phone rings and rings.
You ignore it until the machine picks up.
You hear my message, come running.
Were you with her the whole time?
A pinprick of light is all that's left.
You hold me in your arms.
That is the last thing I know.
That you loved me enough
To come as I died,
I lounged in those perfect arms
That had already betrayed me.

Years and years later
A haggard man
With stubble and haunted green eyes
Sleeps on a stoop
In the street.
Homeless.
No money.
Torn clothes.
Only a paper cup for begging.
The only thing he still has
Is clutched to his chest.
He spends his scarce money
On batteries every month.
The one thing he has
To call his own.
An old answering machine.
He only has one message.
And he plays it over and over.
He only says one thing.
Again and again.
"My fault."
It's all he says now.
Holding the machine
Like it's his last hope.
Maybe it is.
It was mine.