How close I am
to the door
and the kitchen.
He is asleep right now, I know,
and I am not.
How hot I am
in this room
with its closed windows and broken blinds.
He is asleep right now, I know,
and I am not.
How my eyes burn
in this room, standing close to the door
with its closed windows and broken blinds –
I walk quietly to the kitchen.
The lights are off,
but the moon is creeping in.
I lean against the counter,
sip my glass of milk.
I stop.
I have only taken a few sips, but I am done.
The counter is not clean
but I have lost any motivation for wiping it down.
Shadows crawl up and down the wall
beside the stove,
so I watch them,
name them,
count them.
It is 1:51 am.
I think about earlier,
10:00
and I told him, screamed at him,
“you never listen to me!”
we were arguing.
I must be crazy.
I have to pee,
I set the glass on the dirty counter,
and walk a little faster,
a little less balanced than before.
The bathroom isn’t as dirty,
and the mirror is big.
But I still do not turn on the lights.
The blinds are open, which works just fine.
I wash my hands slowly now, watching my reflection
My eyes are tired,
my lips white.
My hands must be clean now, but I keep scrubbing.
My room is so clean – spotless.
I lay next to him
and watch him breath.
He is not under the blankets, and the skin on his naked chest quivers.
“Jesse?” I whisper. “Jesse, will you wake up?”
He stirs. I touch my fingers to his bare shoulder
my hands are very cold –
they are always cold.
“What?” he asks sleepily, eyes still closed.
“Do you - ” love me? I think. But I am too afraid.
His eyes open slightly, waiting
as they sparkle at me
they almost light up the space around our heads.
“Do you want a blanket?”
his eyes close.
“Yeah, sure,” he sighs.
I slide the covers down from under him,
and back up again
so that he is warmer,
so that something keeps him here.
I stand up.
Slide my jeans off
and place them softly in the hamper.
I unbutton my shirt
with great concentration
and place it atop the jeans.
A nightshirt takes their place.
I slip underneath the blanket
to lie beside him and sleep.
He grumbles, makes half-asleep noises,
turns gently towards the wall and
away from me.
